Monday, April 18, 2011

When He Doesn't Show Up

This is a post I've been meaning to share for awhile now. I wanted to share such a wonderful time I had with the Lord recently.

Some time in December or January I was really aching to be a mom. I didn't care whether it was biologically or through adoption, but since I was nearing 39 years old, I was really feeling this desire.

It just seemed that biologically things were not cooperating and our adoption just kept progressing and progressing, the wait time increasing and increasing.

I remember as I laid in bed, in that state between awake and sleep, I cried out to God, not understanding why I could not be a mom now. I was sharing with my husband that I was not mad at God. I was hurt by him... If He loved me so much, then of course I expected Him to want to give good things to me as His word says. Yet, he did not seem loving to me. He seemed selfish. He was letting me down, disappointing me and hurting me. I hated feeling this way as I love Him so much and I know the Truth is that He loves me even more than I can imagine.

As I cried out to Him, I thought about a time in the Bible when someone else was deeply disappointed by Jesus. The story of Lazarus.

It starts in John 11:6 where it clearly states, "Now Jesus loved Martha, and her sister and Lazarus...". But then the very next verse does not seem at all to indicate that he loved them, "When He heard therefore that Lazarus was sick, He stayed two more days in the same place that He was." Now why would Jesus do that?! Common sense tells us that if you love someone and they are sick and you have the power to heal them, that you would RUSH to their side to SAVE them!

And that is exactly the same way Mary saw it! "Then, when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." (John 11:32) The next verse states that Mary was weeping. She was so hurt, so disappointed, so sad. If God had shown up, Lazarus would have been saved! All Jesus had to do was SHOW UP!

Have you had times like these? Where you have cried out to God to please come through for you? Whether it be to save the baby in your womb, or to hurry up and get your adopted child home, to healing someone you love.

What I love about this story is that after Jesus saw Mary and the other Jews crying and grieving over losing Lazarus, that Jesus was deeply troubled as well and wept. But Jesus did not weep because Lazarus was dead. He knew Lazarus was going to live again in just a few minutes. No, He wept because those He loved wept. It says in God's word that Jesus ONLY does what God, His Father, instructs Him to do. He CANNOT do anything that is not in His Father's will. I think He so wanted to have come through for them. I think He wept because He hated disappointing and hurting them.

As I cried out to God that night, I was comforted by this revelation. Jesus, one part of the Trinity of God, was identifying with my pain. He wanted to give me motherhood now, but God had a different plan. One that ultimately would bring Him more glory, which at the end of everyday is truly the cry of my heart. That my life would bring Him glory. He also, in His supreme wisdom knows what I can handle and what I can't.

Have you had times like this as a parent? Where your child wants something NOW, like a pony or a bike, but you KNOW they are not old enough to handle it yet. You SO want to please them, but you can't...not yet. And you really can't wait to give it to them....I think this is how Jesus was feeling as I cried myself to sleep that night.

And the best part of this story is that just a few minutes later they rolled away the stone and Jesus got to "loudly" cry out "Lazarus, come forth"! I honestly do not think it was a stoic somber cry. I think it was a gut wrenching, can't wait to see you LOUD cry. This is the same cry we will all hear when our hopes and dreams are finally in our hands. I can hear Jesus up in Heaven crying out in this way as our babies are born, or on our Gotcha Days or the days that our loved ones either come home to be with Him or wake up to new life here on earth.

Our Jesus loves us SO much! His waiting is truly His love for us! How hard this is to believe, but how awesome it is to share in bringing Him glory through our testimonies that are birthed through these hard waiting times. Be comforted knowing that God does love you and SO empathizes with your longings. He'll come through...hold on...


  1. I just blogged about this very thing!!!

  2. Oh my goodness how this has spoken to my heart! Thank you for sharing this. I blogged about this and linked back to your blog. I felt that so many others would be greatly blessed by these words as well:)

  3. Goodness I'm so glad I found this post. There is a little girl,an orphan on Reece's Rainbow, that needs a home so badly. I know her mama is out there, I'm trying so hard to find her. Sometimes I wonder why isn't Jesus finding her for me. He knows who she is , where she is. I'm searching for a needle in a haystack and He knows exactly where she is. I know this is different than what you are talking about , but it spoke to me in a way I needed to hear it.

  4. i just prayed about this today too (and subsequently studied in my quiet time, and then blogged about it). Isaiah 40:28-31 is my lifeline right now. thank you so much for sharing this. i love how you pointed out that Jesus would give me what i'm asking right now if He could but it's not yet the Father's will. doesn't that just give you peace?

  5. That is one amazing post, Amanda. We definitely understand that of which you speak. SO encouraging to hear these words from you.

  6. thanks for sharing! i had a miscarriage and it was unbelievabley hard, we waitecdd to get pregnant again because it hurt so much. 6 months later when we did try again and got pregnant, i was distraught when a month into it i started bleeding on a date w/ my husband celebrating that we were pregnant again. On the way home from the date we were both horrribly upset and listening to the radio. Phil vasser was on Focus on the family talking about what to do when God gives you and dream and then takes it way. It was really good to know that other peoples dreams die but they choose to power through and still have a love for christ. God heard my cries and I didnt miscarry at all, I know and planning my daughter Emrey's first birthday party. God is good all the time. we dont see his love only when he try not to. thanks again.
    -audrielle for Pins, Needles, & Kids

  7. Thanks for this testimony. I just wrote about trusting God through the Lazarus experience as well, so identified with this post. Blessings to you and your ministry!

  8. Amanda-just started following and this post "jumped" out at us. We are waiting for trip #2 to Ethiopia for our son, this wait has continued to increase without any sense of "when" it will be over. Your words resonated so loudly with me tonight-thank you so much!

  9. You have described it in a very descriptive and understandable manner so everybody understand it. Well, Your story was equally beautiful and moving and congrats to you for surviving.
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