Friday, July 29, 2011

My Conflict



It's been a few weeks since I've personally blogged. I've really wrestled with what to say. I feel so conflicted these days...I have always advocated for adoption and orphan care - it's been my calling and career for the last 10 years! Yet, here we are, pregnant with our first baby.

This is awesome news of course! But, we were in the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia and of course, as God would have it, we finally became pregnant! Honestly, I couldn't believe my emotions at first. They were so contradictory to what I thought they would have been. I wasn't that excited. I just felt shocked, overwhelmed, scared and mostly...sad. Why was I sad? I knew it was because the little girl I had seen in all the photos might now not get to go home to us.

Still today, at almost 7 months pregnant, I wonder...will she ever become a part of our family or will we continue to give birth to more and more children? I am now VERY happy to be pregnant and cannot wait to meet this little man, but my hope diminishes daily for bringing her home. Mainly b/c nothing is happening with her case in Ethiopia any way, but we could STILL adopt another child...right? But at 39 years old, you can't wait too long if you do want to have birth children....so where is my place in this calling? How do I walk it out? Where is my voice?

All these thoughts and emotions make me feel like my word or my thoughts aren't as important and I feel like a hypocrite. I so burn for the orphans and sending out God's people to care for them and I so celebrate every adoption I hear about, yet, I CAN'T travel to visit the orphan OR adopt right now!!!! Am I a hypocrite? Will people judge me and think I'm not walking out what I am preaching?

I was wearing our "Visit" t-shirt the other day at Starbucks. A sweet woman who was standing behind me in line came up to me and said, "I think it is SO neat that you are wearing that shirt about orphans, yet you are pregnant." I'm sure I looked totally shocked and perplexed as I didn't get it at first...but then slowly she started explaining. "Well, it's just so neat that are expecting your own child yet still advocating and not forgetting the orphan." She had no idea how much she encouraged me! I wish I had written down her contact information just so I could thank her for those words.

So, as I enjoy this long awaited season in my life..this yearning to finally bear a child and be a mom, I pray you will understand my heart. A calling is irrevocable. It is what it is. Just know that each trip I send out, I wish I was on...Each day I think about the little girl who might possibly be in our home one day IF we receive a miracle. Yet all the while, I am celebrating these days and looking forward to welcoming Jordan Robert into his forever family! In the meantime, I get to continue to do the background work - sending out the most amazing people of God to love and care for the orphans. I had my time - now it's YOURS!.

5 comments:

  1. This is such a great post. Thanks for sharing your heart. I love what the woman at Starbucks said. It's so true. So many women when they're pregnant just focus on their family and the upcoming arrival of their baby. You are looking forward to meeting your little one, but like the woman said- still advocating and not forgetting the orphan.
    PS Seeing Jordan's name in writing makes it seem even more real! :) He will be here soon.

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  2. Such a beautiful post. I am praying for you and about the arrival of your little bundle of joy and for this special little girl's forever home. May you take His hand and rest in Him, as He leads you step by step in His Will... and above all may you have joy in Him today even without knowing what's up ahead.

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  3. I loved the honesty of your post! I just want to remind and encourage you today from a mother of 3 bio children, 1 from adoption, and beginning the adoption process again soon! First, God has "breathed life" into Jordan and he is your special gift for this time and season! Enjoy him completely! Secondly, EVERY child is a gift and adored by our Father! No matter how they arrive in our family, they are on loan for a season for us to love and teach! Keep going with your adoption and God will bring your little girl in the perfect time as well! Thank you for sharing your passion!

    Candice

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  4. It was very brave of you to post that. I sometimes think the same thing. We wanted to adopt when I got pregnant with my third. But here we are adopting after baby number three..... www.justonemore4us.blogspot.com

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  5. I haven't been where you are Amanda. I had my two birth children young and they came to be easily. I realize more and more everyday how much of a blessing fertility is. I never thought about it though ... because it just happened for us.

    What I want to say though is this: I LONGED for more children after we had our two sons. My DH did not though. I grieved then what I thought was a loss of this longing for more. WOW GOD!!! is all I can say.

    Now we are in the paperchase for #6!!! And DH is the one leading this all the way with me dragging my feet a bit (when usually DH is the one saying "whoa" to me ;).

    I sometimes wonder about having more from my womb and probably could if circumstances were different and DH and I had made some different choices (and yes, sometimes I struggle with what ifs and guilt over that), but as we adopt more and more ... God is fulfilling the desires of my heart.

    I can't answer the questions for you, none of us can. But I understand how it helps to talk it out even on one's blog. I know God can answer them for you though. If the timing is not right now for you to adopt, there is always later. Unfortunately as long as we live on this earth, there are going to be orphans in need of a family.

    I admire your transparency. It is undoubtedly an encouragement to someone(s) reading.

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