Pulverized

Note: I started writing this blog when my new baby Jordan was 2 weeks old. He is now 8 weeks old.

I was searching for a word today to describe the way I have felt since the birth of our baby boy two weeks ago and I think I have found it.
Pulverized: to defeat or render helpless. To demolish or crush completely. To reduce to powder or dust.

The experience of his birth and the love that has overcome me for this little human being has done just that. Pulverized me. I feel like the Israelites when they finally arrived and habitated the Promised Land. Every day feels like a dream... I feel helpless under the weight of this love for my baby Jordan and for and from the Lord. Totally helpless in the fact, that no matter how hard I try, at the end of the day, our beautiful Savior is the one who holds him. Who sustains and protects him.

I had a moment I will never forget as long as I live. We had Jordan on October 20th at 4 AM. That evening after no sleep in 48 hours, we decided to put him in the hospital nursery so we could get some sleep. I woke up completely awake at 5 AM the next morning. Simon, my husband was still asleep on the cot next to me, so I decided to just walk down to the nursery to see our baby. When I arrived, there were many babies all in individual little portable bassinettes. Probably thirty or so and I did not know where Jordan was. A sweet young nurse, named Kristin, asked me who my baby was and led me to Jordan.

When I saw him, he was the only baby who was awake. He was lying there all tightly swaddled like all the other babies, with only his little face showing and he was just looking all around. And overwhelming sense of awareness enveloped me...He has SO much trust. He could be left right there, with no one taking care of him and there is nothing he could do. And I was overwhelmed with the knowledge of how vulnerable he is. I also immediately recalled my knowledge of what orphanages are like in China. How they have SO many babies in all these beds and they are just, for the most part left alone.. I thought of all the babies who are totally abandoned, how completely dependent in every sense of the word for us to care for them. Each orphan that is found and taken in is a miracle. One only God could orchestrate. How easily they can be forgotten, missed and looked over.

I asked Kristen, the nurse to forgive me as I was obviously having a moment. I was crying and couldn't stop. She was so full of grace and led me and Jordan to the nearby rocking chair. I just sat rocking him, having my moment with the Lord...processing all that had happened through our labor and our story to get here. I waited 39 years for a child, for a promise to come to life...to cross our River Jordan and arrive in our Promised Land.

I Samuel 1:27: I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.