Wow..Motherhood has taken me by storm! I've always been someone who takes on a responsibility or role and does it 150%...and with joy as long as it was a passion of mine. I should have known the role of motherhood would not be any different. Some how though I thought I would just have this baby and life would just seemingly go on as normal and he would just naturally warp into what I needed him to be to keep "this life" I wanted to preserve.
All of that changed the moment he was delivered. It's so neat how God has created women so that when their babies are born they have a rush of hormones and chemistry which usually makes them so bonded and in love with their new ones, that they would literally lay down their lives for them and they just met these babies! Maybe it has nothing to do with hormones or chemistry and is just purely emotional and spiritual, whatever the cause, it's intense!
So, my new focus has been being a mom and that focus has brought SO many questions and doubts!!! I have said over and over again that I think this job is much harder for me than running an agency. Running an agency required having multiple people around you all day long with the same calling. People you could bounce questions off of and you never truly had to stand completely alone in the decisions you made, weighty as some of them might have been. Also, there was less emotion in the decisions made. With motherhood it's ALL emotional! That's my little baby boy...what do you mean I should let him cry?! What do you mean I have to TAKE him to get shots? ...so emotional!
But I realized yesterday when talking to a precious experienced mother, that this job as a new mom, is no different than really any other large job responsibility God calls us to in some ways. I remember the first time I led a mission team to Ethiopia about eight years ago...I had always wanted to go to Africa and help orphans but had NEVER been to Africa and had NEVER led a mission trip. I'd actually only been on two mission trips in my life, albeit, one was to Siberia. :) But, I was a firm believer that God calls us into things that are way out of our comfort zone and that He truly calls the ill equipped and weak as He wants to be strong through them. So I agreed to lead it, SCARED out of my mind! I fumbled my way through each team conference call, trying to act like I knew what I was doing. But God provided! He provided a beautiful Ethiopian woman named Almaz who helped be our guide in Ethiopia and he provided great team members who were full of grace and brought their own experiences to the table. But it was hard!! I cried each night when I retired to my room away from the team asking God why in the world would He have called ME to lead this team? People were not just going to Africa all the time back then...it was pretty crazy to do so...and I thought after this trip is over, I am such an awful team leader I will never lead another team again... HAH!!!! I ended up as the Director of that organization just 4 years later!
So, here I am again in the mission of motherhood. It's no different. I cry time and time again because I'm scared. Scared that I'm not good enough and because I on many days have no idea what I'm doing. And like leading a mission team it can be a lonely place. There are days I think I could never have another child or adopt because I can't even get this mothering thing down with the one I have...or at least be more in peace with it and less overwhelmed. But then, on some days, when naps are plentiful and I'm more rested I think, "Oh how I'd love another one..." but that is quickly followed by fear. And now I'm encouraged because I remember it's how I felt after leading that first mission team to Ethiopia. God thinks more of me!!! This is JUST the beginning!!!! Maybe one day I WILL be the mommy director of my own home with a number of little ones and I won't be afraid anymore! But for now, I will just concentrate on making it through this first year with my baby and in time, God will strengthen my heart again and when I least expect it, knowing Him, we will be expecting another one, either by birth or adoption.
Book Review -- The Hardest Peace
2 years ago