Well, this blog is most definitely going to take a turn from solely orphan care and missions to be a little more personal. After all, my personal life does not center around orphan care and traveling internationally on missions every other month now. The orphan crisis is still heavy on my heart and always will be and we may or may not be bringing home a certain little girl from Africa (more on this in a future blog) one of these days, but my world and reality today is learning how to now be a full time mom to a precious baby boy.
By far, I've never had what I call "so much turning within". I'm usually someone who can make a decision and stick with it. If you know the Myers Briggs test, I was a J which stood for Judging. I could judge a situation and make a fairly quick decision and stand by my conviction. However, mommyhood, as I like to call it, has brought a whole new element and emotional stress of doubting my decisions.
The most recent turning within is about his napping and "sleep training". I was a nanny once for an infant boy and I read Baby Wise and this little one worked perfectly with this type of schedule. I let him cry it out one day and it only lasted for 20 minutes...and then next day, we were on our schedule. It seemed to be so easy! He was also formula fed. So, I went into this mommyhood thing completely convinced I would do Babywise with my son. And then I fell deeply in love with him and the idea of letting him cry when he hardly ever cried any way broke my heart. So, I decided I now agreed more with the attachment parenting style. Except, I am so not a "hippie" in the sense that I'm honestly not a real flexible gal. So, there were things about attachment parenting that I did agree with but I still felt convicted in my heart that there was something to this Babywise/scheduling stuff.
Recently, once Jordan was 4 months old and now about 17 pounds, my back was really aching all day long. Mainly because now he had preferences about how he wanted to fall asleep. My wonderful husband, who loves to help out with Jordan, liked to walk him around and "jiggle" him until he fell asleep, and this is what he enjoyed the most. I could do this before each nap normally, but in the afternoons, when he was more stimulated, he would not sleep past 30 minutes, unless I got him out of his crib and once again carried him back to sleep. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed with the idea that my future might entail putting a 25 pound toddler to bed this way and what if God decided to bless us with another child? I knew physically and mentally this was not going to be easy. So, I wanted to "prepare the way" in some sense for our future and one day after "carrying" him three different times for the same nap, I just "clicked" and was ready to let him cry it out. And cry it out he did. I didn't have a clock with me, but I think it was for like 40 minutes or so. But once he fell asleep, he was asleep for 2.5 hours! I thought, well, great, now just one more day of this and most likely we have arrived and he will no longer wake after 30 minutes and need me to go back to sleep.
However, that was like 3 weeks ago and since then, if left to cry it out, will continue to cry for 45 minutes or more and this mommy's heart cannot take it anymore! The idea of letting him cry is worse than the idea of going into surgery for me. I just don't have the heart to do it anymore. So, I am putting all the stupid books down (for the most part) and going only to the Lord and asking HIM what He wants me to do to parent Jordan. I'm trusting Him with the future of it all....I will not borrow worry for tomorrow. So far, the verses He has given me are:
John 14:18 - I will not abandon you as orphans, No, I will come to you. - This is what I feel God has given me to stand on to confirm that for me and Jordan, I am not to let him cry it out anymore. I want Jordan to grow up secure in the love that Simon and i have for him and that we would not give him a spirit of abandonment but one of adoption where he will cry out "Daddy"...You may disagree with me, but this is where I stand.
Zephaniah 3:18 - He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. - This verse was given to me this morning as I rocked baby Jordan to sleep. He tends to fight sleep more now that he's so social and again, I began doubting that rocking him instead of just placing him in the bed was the right thing. But, there are times when Jordan can not calm down and you can tell he is struggling to calm himself to sleep. But when I look at him with love as I sing over him, it calms and quiets him. I am also to show him great joy when he is awake, no matter what the circumstances...
I think God will show each parent how to parent each child as no two will be alike. But for me and Jordan and this time in our lives, this is how He wants me to do it. He is teaching me SO much about His love for me as well through this time and I hope to share some of this in future posts...
I'm looking for the answers, but I'm pretty sure they will fall somewhere between the attachment and babywise theories. After all, the only parenting wisdom I've been able to get from the Lord lately was in Proverbs:
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God bless your sweet heart Amanda! You are doing such a great job with Jordan - what a blessed little boy!
ReplyDeleteHaving the twins - who are SO different in their personalities and sleep preferences - has served to convince me even more that all babies are different with different needs and that there is no one right way/style/philosophy for parenting. Like I mentioned on the phone - we just do the best with what our instincts/hearts tell us. That you are so faithfully taking it before the Lord is wonderful.
I heard recently of a book coming out soon called "Spirt-led Parenting" (I think there is a facebook group for it at the moment at least). It sounds very similar to what you are trying to do with Jordan.
I think this stage of parenting is challenging for every mommy. We want to do it right. :) It is exhausting and rewarding at the same time. I am glad you are choosing to follow where the Lord leads!
ReplyDeleteWe kinda did a combo. It too was exhausting, but know this season does not last forever. When they were little, I would let them lay in the crib, and they would cry, but I would go in after 5 min and kiss their forhead, let them know I was there and tell them I loved them. Then I would wait 10 min and do the same thing. Then 15 min, etc. I wanted them to know that they had not been abandoned, I was there and I loved them, but they had to take a nap. :) When they moved to "big kid beds," I would sit by their bed and hold their hand till they fell asleep. I have been a tired mommy, but I am glad that I made the choices I did!
God will give you the strength and wisdom you seek, when you ask! I am so grateful for that!
I think this stage of parenting is challenging for every mommy. We want to do it right. :) It is exhausting and rewarding at the same time. I am glad you are choosing to follow where the Lord leads!
ReplyDeleteWe kinda did a combo. It too was exhausting, but know this season does not last forever. When they were little, I would let them lay in the crib, and they would cry, but I would go in after 5 min and kiss their forhead, let them know I was there and tell them I loved them. Then I would wait 10 min and do the same thing. Then 15 min, etc. I wanted them to know that they had not been abandoned, I was there and I loved them, but they had to take a nap. :) When they moved to "big kid beds," I would sit by their bed and hold their hand till they fell asleep. I have been a tired mommy, but I am glad that I made the choices I did!
God will give you the strength and wisdom you seek, when you ask! I am so grateful for that!
Ok, well you didn't exactly ask for advice but here it is. Take it for what it is.
ReplyDeleteFirst, after 6 children--2 coming by way of birth and 4 by adoption--I feel like I am less of an "expert" than ever before! So, I say this to say my best advice is no book is going to tell you the best (or only) way. You are his Mommy and you know best! Don't ever forget that (or even let a pedi) tell you otherwise.
So, I used Babywise with our first and he still woke up every night for 5 years. I am not trying to scare you. Honestly he had digestive issues that we didn't figure out until he was older. We were CLUELESS! I was 25 when he was born. I had babysat a lot and thought I knew babies. In my heart I felt it was digestive, but I should have pushed more with the doctor. Anyway, DH--God bless him--would get up most every night and get him back to sleep, often with our guy lying on his chest belly down. I am guessing this made our baby's belly feel better. And we wouldn't lie him down on his belly in his bed b/c they put the fear in you on that.
Baby boy #2 came along and I used Babywise again. Worked perfectly! I mean, this guy was a dream sleeper. One thing though I did was I let him sleep everywhere. Not a babywise thing but I wanted him to stay asleep in his carseat, swing, where ever b/c I had a 4YO who was on the go and we couldn't just stay at home everyday during naptime. It worked great. Our Jackson would sleep anywhere, even stay asleep if I had to get him out of his seat to go into preschool and pick up his brother. Can I say dream sleeper?!
Then we adopted our daughter Susannah at almost 3 and she had a 15-day hospital stay (and OHS) immediately upon coming home. I don't recommend this for attachment but it was necessary for her survival. OK, so we've always co-slept as needed in one form or another (see above to son #1). But with baby girl, we co-slept a lot. She would wake up multiple times a night and so after awhile bringing her into our bed just ensured sleep. Enough said.
We brought our boys home at 10 and 5 years old and God have mercy, they have slept great from day one. Thank you Lord! At this point, we were still dealing with sleep issues with our daughter, so this was a blessing.
Now we have baby girl, #6, and she is a good sleeper, but I'll be honest. I don't follow any schedule or book advice. I let her have her bottle in her bed--GASP!--and I never let her cry it out. I never really let our older daughter either but I did let our first son and I regret it. I don't know what to tell you, but maybe try letting your little guy sleep on a pallet on the floor where you are. Maybe he just needs to be close?
I will say this and then I'll stop. If I had it to do all over (my first baby boy I spoke of above is 13 12/ years old! how time flies; ENJOY EVERY MOMENT b/c it seems like yesterday he was 4 months old), I would do a lot more ATTACHMENT parenting. I think we have some issues we do today with one of our bio sons b/c I didn't do enough in that. He was such an easy baby that I just didn't need to carry him that much or--gasp--wear him. Oh how I regret that knowing what I know now after adopting.
I have commented on your blog before and you shared a precious blog I wrote about our littlest guy who we adopted from Feng Du (and he was visited by a VO team), so I hope you don't think I'm a total crazy for sharing all of this.
I just wish I had done things differently sometimes and you have it all in front of you! Most of all, I say go with the flow, follow his lead, let him nap when he needs it (and not when he doesn't) and just ENJOY him way more than you worry. I wish I had done that more especially with my first!
God's blessings,
Leslie
Amen, Amanda! Sounds like you are totally "getting" it! Can't wait to meet Baby Jordan. :)
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